When Does Life Start?

I graduated high school from Chino Valley High School in June of 2009. Since then I have lived at home and I have gone to Yavapai College off and on and I have worked off and on as well.
I keep thinking about “One Day” when I’m living in a city/town that I want to live in, when I’m “working” where and how I want to work, when I’m surrounded by good friends… Oh, life is going to be so great.

Don’t get me wrong- I love love love my parents so much. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t still be living at home. But they enrich my life and I am grateful for the time I’ve been able to spend with them. So when I’m off thinking about “One Day,” it’s not because I don’t want that “One Day” to be spent separated from them. It’s actually quite the opposite- I hope to be surrounded by my family.

But lately I’ve been thinking about all of this and I have become sick of thinking about “One Day.” What I’ve come to realize is that “One Day” will never exist unless I start now. One day is a nice thought- one that doesn’t involve sacrifice.

To be honest, I am a spoiled human. I live in a rich country, I’ve never had to deal with any REALLY difficult hardships, I’ve always had a roof over my head, I’ve always had food on the table. And so I think I’ve started expecting things to just go my way automatically. That’s how life works, isn’t it?
But when I start thinking about those things- the roof over my head, the food on the table- I can’t separate sacrifice from it. My parents have worked hard- harder than I’ve ever worked- and they have created a place to call home. They have put food on the table.
There have been times when my parents weren’t sure how all that was going to remain possible, but they did everything they could and God provided. We have had groceries delivered to our door with a receipt that rang up to $700- completely unexpected. We have had a vehicle given to us when we were in need of transportation- God has been so faithful, and I have taken that for granted.

What a little child I’ve been! Instead of realizing these things and learning that life functions through sacrifices, I’ve expected others to sacrifice for me! What a brat.

Lately I’ve had this crazy thought that maybe God has me in this certain neighborhood in Chino Valley for a reason. We know my neighbor Roy really well and he comes over all the time just to chat and eat dinner with us occasionally, but other than that, I know very few. I have met a few of them but haven’t done much to get to know them. But I’ve been thinking lately- why not? Maybe God has me here for a reason. Maybe I’m supposed to plant some seeds or do some watering for Him and I haven’t even made myself available to do that! So my idea is small and simple, but I’m excited about it. In our neighborhood we have a little mailbox area where we all go to get our mail each day. So I’ve decided I’m going to start leaving little gifts there for anyone in the neighborhood to take. My first project is going to be handmade seed packets with flower seeds in them. My dad LOVES flowers, so we have stashed away tons of flower seeds from flowers we’ve planted around the house the past few years. So I’m going to make up a bunch of seed packets and leave them there for the neighbors to take. The second project I’ve thought of so far is to make homemade doggy biscuits and package them up to leave at the mailbox for any fellow dog owners to take home to their furry friends.

I know these are big steps, but they are steps, and that’s what matters. Jesus didn’t come with bolts of lightning and crashes of thunder, but he did come with small acts done with great love. And that’s how I plan to go about this neighborhood project.

Also- if any of you have some ideas for me to leave by the mailboxes, I’d sure like to hear them! I am open to any and all ideas! I would actually really appreciate it.

So anyway, all of this to say that life starts now. Life starts when you want it to start. Life starts when you realize that “One Day” is not just going to come to you served on a silver platter. And life starts when you decide to live in the freedom that God has given you- freedom to live a magnificent life wherever God has placed you. Don’t be confined by the thought that you can’t change your neighborhood, your city, or your country for the better. Be free in the truth that God uses the weak, the insignificant, the small, the tired, the shy, and the uncertain. I, for one, definitely fall under several of those categories. I rejoice! For He must have great plans for me!

A Heartfelt Apology

I have a confession. I’m not as good a person as you think I am. I have thoughts that would make you think I’m a different person than you know me to be. When I get really mad and am by myself, I lose my cool. When I dropped and broke my iPod the other week, I used just about every cuss word I know, multiple times. I am like dust on the ground. I should be swept under a rug, hidden from view. But I have a Savior who has redeemed me. I have a Savior who has made me more than dust. I have a Savior who has made me worthy by His blood and by His nail-peirced hands. I AM a child of the one true God. I am a child of the Creator of all that has ever been and ever will be. I have the power of this God living inside of me. He can make me a beautiful master piece. He can take this piece of dust, and by His breath he can make me into something that shines brighter than a flame in a dark room. He has made me a new creation. I am living in a world where I don’t belong- where sin reigns and the evil one has influence. I am living in a world that is corrupted by the power of hell. In a world where the flames of hell can be felt by the bottom of our feet on the earth on which we walk. I can see hell. I see it just about everywhere I go. But because of the grace of God, and the love of a God that consumes every part of me, I don’t have to let hell win. I have power over hell. Not by my own doing, but because Christ lives in me. The power of the RISEN SAVIOR dwells in me! This breath that I so selfishly claim as mine is really not mine at all. God has given me life. He gives me each breath I receive, and it’s my duty to use it to bring His truth into the world. That just hit me last night- each breath I take is a gift! It truly is! And how am I using this gift?? I’m going to be held responsible for how I invest this gift, and it’s a shame how often I use the breath God has given me to waste it on unimportant things, or to straight up use it in a way that takes away from the love and goodness of God.

So this is an apology. This is me saying I’m sorry for not being consistent. I’m sorry for losing it when I get angry. I’m sorry for thinking things that are not God-honoring. I’m sorry that I have spoken and proclaimed one thing, and then I went and did another. I’m sorry for being a hypocrite. I want to be the same in every situation. I want God to be my focus in everything, and I want nothing to do with the old, sinful me. It’s against my nature, as a born-again Christian, to do sinful things. I am a new creation, and I apologize for the times I allowed the old flesh to win out over the new, cleansed creation.

Bless the Lord, O my Soul, worship His holy name. This is my prayer, that my soul would bless the Lord. That my breath would bless the Lord. That my thoughts and attitudes would bless the Lord. My prayer is that I would be the same in front of God and in front of you and when I am alone. My prayer is that I would radiate His love to everyone around me. God has blessed me so much and I didn’t deserve a single part of it. My prayer is that my flesh would not win, but that God living in me would win every time. My prayer is that each day and every moment I would die to myself so that Christ may live and breathe through me.

I can’t stress how abundantly GOOD God is. He’s so good. Thank you for reading this, and I hope each one of you will accept my genuine apology. God is good.

Take Delight

I hesitate to write this blog post. But to explain why I must first tell you what I want to write.

Lately I have been learning quite a bit about God. I’ve been starting to really understand that God wants what is best for me. He has plans so much greater and more fulfilling than I could ever imagine for myself. He is a much better planner than I am. Heck! Not only is he a better planner, but he’s a much better dreamer! He desires things for me I can’t even desire for myself!

And I’ve really been learning that lately. I’ve also been thinking about the verse in Psalm 37, which states, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” In the past I’ve viewed that in a very selfish way! “Okay! As long as I read my Bible and be a good Christian and love God then God will give me whatever I want and ask Him for! Easy.” Well, I’ve begun to read it in a much more beautiful way. And I think a much more “correct” way. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. If you’re taking delight in something, what are you going to want? You’re going to want more of that thing. You’re going to start wanting what that thing or person wants.
Delight- Great pleasure.
Pleasure- A feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.
Satisfaction- Fulfillment of one’s wishes, expectations, or needs
Desires-A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
So. Take great [feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment] in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Let me point out a little key word here…. satisfaction.
Take great satisfaction in the Lord. That means He fulfills your wishes, expectations, and needs. He is all you need to be satisfied. When He is all you wish for, He will give you the desires of your heart. As you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give all of himself to you, as much as you can possibly desire, and not only that, but he places His desires for your life in your heart! When He is all you want, he puts His wants and desires for you IN your heart.

How incredible is that?? Especially when you know He wants the absolute best for you!
So stop worrying about what you want to go to college for. Stop worrying about what kind of career you want. Stop worrying about where you want to live. Stop worrying about what you want your future spouse to be like. Stop worrying about what car you want to drive. Stop worrying. Stop worrying, and start desiring God. Start praying that God would give you an unending desire to know Him more and more. Pray that He would reveal more of Himself to you. And through revealing more of himself to you, the desires HE has for your life will become your own desires for your life. Search the heart of God. Believe that He wants what’s best. Put your trust into action. It makes for a much more peaceful life and rested mind.

And this doesn’t mean don’t plan. I believe God wants us to plan. But as you desire and search the heart of God, see what you begin wanting for your life. I think most of the time it will be something that we can’t attain ourselves. Our world is a fan of “dreaming big!” But what if we dreamed big, understanding that God can do anything He wants? Understanding that He can orchestrate any encounter and situation He possibly wants for your life. He can get you where You want to go. I think that “dreams” are more than dreams. I think they are attainable goals when they are God driven desires.

Anyway, all that to say that lately I have been feeling very hopeful excited for my future. I have received a tiny bit of clarity regarding my future, and for that I rejoice! When I know that I am NOT supposed to do something, I know I’m getting closer to discovering what I AM supposed to do. So I will be glad for the peace God has given me, and continue to ask God to show me the next step. Now, why would I hesitate to write a blog post like this? Because last time I wrote about being filled with joy, the devil really got me down. I started having pity party after pity party, and for about a week I was just down in the dumps. And then one day I got sick of it, so I decided not to let him mess with me anymore. He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. It’s as simple as that. But I hesitated because it was a hard week or so. And I know that when I write things like this, the devil doesn’t like it and is going to try to get to me even more aggressively. But I trust that God wants to use what I have to say in someone’s life, and that is far more important.

God’s Gifts | Joy |

This weekend I was able to go to San Diego, to surprise my best friend who is going to PLNU. She knew her mom was coming to visit, but I was a complete surprise! I was scared she would have an idea that I was coming, but fortunately she had no idea! (:

Recently I have really been spending time in the Word, and as I read more and more, God puts the desire in me to read EVEN MORE. There is so much jam packed in the Bible, and I have so much to learn! In the past it’s been hard for me to sit down and read it. I’m not sure why. I knew that God would speak to me through it, and I knew that it would draw me closer to God, but I didn’t make the time for it. I would read a chapter here and there, but I wouldn’t REALLY read. This Book is so full of hope, it’s amazing. I can’t explain how God has just been blessing me with Joy. Every day is so worth living, and I just want to shake people! I want to shake them and tell them there’s something SO MUCH BETTER to HOPE for! Oh my goodness! God is so good! He loves us SO MUCH. He is passionate about captivating us with the awe and wonder of who He is.

In the past I have felt close to God through nature. Through tree’s and mountains, and just beautiful natural landscapes. And though I still see God’s love and majesty in those things, lately I’ve been learning a lot about His love through other people and through how we’re made. He has made us all so unique. He has given us all our own unique laugh, smile, sense of humor, eye color, smile lines, freckles, skin tone. He’s given us our own passions and interests. But what’s even cooler than that? He did it intentionally! HE LOVES MY LAUGH. He LOVES my freckles and white skin. There is nothing about any of us that He doesn’t love. He intentionally gave some people squinty eyes when they smile. He intentionally made some people tan easily. He intentionally gave us each our hair color. He intentionally made some of us outspoken and some of us reserved. He intentionally made some of us tall and some of us short.
He cares about EVERY detail of our life. Of our body. Of our DNA. Nothing goes unnoticed.

I’ve been feeling very loved through other people lately as well.
People I’ve just met, people I’ve known for years, and people I’ve known my whole life.
Each friendship I have is at the point that it is for a purpose. Everyone I’ve met has been intentional. God put me here on this earth at this specific time with these specific people.
With the people I see in the grocery store, with the people at my church, with the people I drive past every day, with the baristas at the coffee shops I visit, with the people who have been my acquaintances and are now my friends.

Nothing surprises Him. Isn’t that good news?? It is for me. Because in that, we can feel comfortable enough with Him to enter into His midst. To approach the throne room, and know that grace will cover us because of Jesus Christ.

A Short Ramble

God made us relational beings. He created us to long for human interaction.

And as I sit here, eating chinese food, watching some lame 90’s TV movie, I think about the days that I will be able to share a night like this with the God-fearing man I fall in love with. We would laugh at the ridiculous acting, and the predictable story line. Both knowing that the movie sucks, and both being okay with that.

Sometimes I wonder if people read this and see me as some desperate girl who wants a boyfriend. That is, in fact, quite the opposite of what I am trying to portray. I am absolutely in love with my Savior, and I trust God completely that when I am the woman I need to be, and my future husband is the man he needs to be, we will meet and God will orchestrate a beautiful love. I look forward to finding out who God wants me to spend the rest of my life with, and it crosses my mind quite often. In the meantime, I am working on my relationship with Jesus Christ before all else. Only then could I ever possibly be ready for a HUMAN relationship. God is perfect. I am not. And my future husband is not going to be perfect. So before I can be in a serious relationship with a human man, I must first take my relationship with God seriously. Think about it, if you can’t handle being in a responsible relationship with a perfect being, how could you ever handle being in a relationship with a non-perfect human being? It doesn’t make any sense.

| The Awaken Project | End False Advertisements

So today has been a fantastic day. It hasn’t been out of the ordinary at all, but it’s pretty cool what you notice and appreciate when God is the center of your attention.

My puppies were getting low on food, so my mom asked me to go by PetSmart and pick some up on the way to drop her off at work. So I walked in, and the lady greeted me “Hello, welcome to PetSmart.” And I surprisingly resonded, “HELLoooOOOooo!”
Okay, since sounds don’t come through too well, let me paint you a mental picture. Imagine the best carnival in the whole world. With a sunny sky and a nice cool breeze, happy people everywhere, your favorite dance-in-your-bedroom-with-a-hairbrush-microphone song playing in the background. You’re having the time of your life as you eat the most delicious batch of cotton candy, and you’re worry free as you SKIP by smiling faces. Imagine this scenario- how would your “hello” come out?
Yep. That’s what it sounded like.
And immediately I thought, “Whoa Bethany. What was that?? And where did it COME from?? Maybe you should tune it down a little…”
And as quickly as I thought that, I then thought, “Wait a minute. Why would I want to tune it down? Forget it, I’m gonna be happy!”

So I went on smiling and making small talk to the employees. (Which, might I add, are NOT gentlemen! There I was picking up a huge bag of dog food, and there were 3 employee guys just standing there talking… Hello?! I’m little! This bag is BIG!)
Anywho, I thought about it later on… I have such a huge reason to be filled with joy. Why would I want to hide that? That’s the exact thing this world NEEDS! A Huge Reason to be filled with joy. All I was doing was running some errands, dropping my mom off at work, then heading to work myself. I had no “reason” to be so happy. It was an average day. But an average day with God is so much different than any ol’ average day without God. He gives me reason to be joyful. He is my hope. This life is meant to be so much more, and with Him, that’s exactly what it becomes. The little things matter. Saying a high-pitched-I’m-at-the-best-carnival-in-the-world kind of hello could be exactly what someone needs to hear in that moment.
God created us with the intention that we would be authentic. He is an authentic God. What you see is what you get. He is Who He Is. No ifs/ands or buts about it. He is love. He is forgiving. He is generous.  And when we partake in that love and forgiveness and generosity, the world gets a glimpse of who God is.

The world needs glimpses of the True God.
Too many people have been the recipient of “false advertisement” on God’s behalf.

Dude. If God could sue people for false advertisements….
There’d me a lot of churches “out of business.”
I am not excluding myself in this one either. I’m human- I mess up sometimes.
But really, when churches (and by churches I mean the people that make up the church) say they will love anyone who comes through those doors unconditionally, and then a guy walks in with a baseball cap on and they suggest that if he loved God he wouldn’t wear his hat in church…
that makes me want to cuss so freaking bad.
If you really loved God, you wouldn’t freaking care if people had hats on in church. You wouldn’t care if someone came in with tattoo’s covering his or her body. You wouldn’t care if they just came in to church from snorting crack. You would show them love.
Since when did Jesus die for you, but not for them? Since when did God give you grace, but not them?

I’m sorry, that was a tangent that was unnecessary for this post.
I just want to show people God’s love. I just want us Christians to be Followers of Christ. I want us to follow the ultimate expression of true, authentic love.

And this is not to say you have to be happy go lucky all the time. Life doesn’t work that way. Bad things happen. But you don’t have to be happy in order to love.

Jesus dined with prostitutes. I think it’s okay if a guy wears a baseball cap in “church.”

…And We Will be Reassembled.

“I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I’d say I’d rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me”
-Fleet Foxes

Everybody has a story. As I sit across from this cute old man at Starbucks, I imagine all the wisdom and advice he has to offer. I think of all sorts of stories he could have. I wonder if he has children, how many times he’s been in love, how many vehicles his now wrinkled hands have worked on. I wonder what he thinks of my generation, and what motivates him each day.

People are so beautiful, and one day I’ll be brave enough to sit down with someone I don’t know, and say please tell me your story. There are so many lives that we brush up against each day, but we don’t take the time to let their lives affect ours. And vice versa.

Let me fill you in- I love old people. Well, the cranky ones aren’t my favorite, but even then I wonder, “what’s happened in their life that has caused them to be SO cranky?” There has to be a reason. Nobody comes out of the womb hoping to be a crotchety old person one day. Their life has somehow caused them to become that way, and for some reason, they allowed it to stick.

I want to also fill you in on something else. I have a friend who makes incredible music.
Wait. Back up.
Music: The art or science of combining vocal or instrumental sounds (or both) to produce beauty of form, harmony, and expression of emotion.
Now let me say that again. I’m not talking the crap music that sells and gets played on radio stations. He makes beautiful music. He makes music that speaks to your soul. I have several times been sitting in a coffee shop listening to him play, and before I know it tears form in my eyes. His music is so honest and passionate.

And I can’t help but but believe that ALL of this is connected. Music and people and stories and worries and fears and aging and art and love. It’s all connected. We are all connected. This beautiful, dreadful, testing, freeing, and sometimes lonely life is all connected to everything else. It all stems from one thing. A creator. THE Creator. Seeing beauty in other people, hearing passion in music, it’s all God. God is all that is good. So in all good things there is a piece of God. In each smile, there is a glimpse of God. In each beautiful melody, there is a glimpse of God. In each hug, there is a glimpse of God. In each reconciling conversation, there is a glimpse of God. He’s so present among us, and it’s SO ridiculous how often we take His Presence for granted. I do it every day. Every sunset is a picture of God’s peace and majesty. Every sunrise is a reminder of His grace; His second chances.

We’ve been told over and over that we’re unique. And it’s true. We are. But so many times we let that go to our head and we try to figure out how we can show everyone how we’re unique. We find ways to slip it into conversations, we try to express it though what we wear, we try to make a living by capitalizing on each unique quality. But what if we grasped the fact that we’re only unique because of how God made us and intended us to impact the world? What if it wasn’t something we wanted to show off and get compliments on, but instead we thought of ways to use it to better this world and the people around us, and give all the glory (compliments) we receive to the Lord?

I love everybody’s uniqueness. I love how this old man bites his bottom lip as he reads the newspaper, I love this ladies’ red hair, I love that this other old man is wearing glasses that look like hand-me-downs from John Denver back in the day. Everyone is so unique in their own ways. It’s what makes life so darn interesting. And what’s really cool is how God was so intentional about it all. He wanted me to have blue eyes, freckles, white skin, and little ears. He wanted me to like country music and trucks and hunting and lace and the color yellow and daisies and fall. He wanted me to have an obnoxiously loud laugh. He loves all of those things about me. Even the things I don’t like about myself, He intended for me. And I am going to begin praying that He would show me why He intended those things for me.

I like to think of it as a big puzzle. Maybe everybody’s unique puzzle piece fits together to form one big picture. My unique gift can help you and your unique gift can help me, and then our unique gift can help the next person, and it just keeps fitting together more and more.
…..Anyway, it’s a great thought.
Try to intentionally seek out other peoples’ unique qualities, and in the mean time, try to find ways that you can use your unique qualities to help someone else. And ask God to show you why He gave you those little qualities that you don’t like about yourself. It may turn into a healing process that so many of us need.

And for the record, I can’t wait until all the pieces are reassembled and the full picture is revealed. 
If each piece is already this beautiful, I can’t imagine what they will look like together.

To Whom It May Concern

First of all, please look up “To Whom It May Concern” by The Civil Wars, and play it as you read this blog.

This song is beautiful, and it hits home with me.
I know I’m only twenty one, but I long for and ache for the day I realize I have found “the one.”
This may be a little girly sounding, but oh well, I’m sure you’ll get over it. And guys, if you’re reading this right now, I’m sure you can somewhat relate whether you’d admit it or not.

So I would like to use this time to write a little note to “whom it may concern.”
So bear with me. Or don’t. That’s fine too.

Hey Mister.
I think about you often. My mind sometimes wanders off and before I know it I’ve got our whole story made up in my mind.
I wonder about all sorts of things. When I’m gonna meet you, if I already have met you, if your hair is straight or curly, whether you squeeze the toothpaste from the center or if you methodically pinch the toothpaste up from the bottom. I, for one, squeeze the center. Hope you’re cool with that.
When I am around a certain elderly couple, I think about you and I being that age. I wonder what our life will have entailed and whether or not we will be one of those cute old couples that holds hands everywhere we go. I hope we will be.
I wonder what kind of clothes you will wear. I wonder if you will be a big sport fan, or if you’ll love the outdoors. All sorts of things. I can’t wait to go camping with you.
But most of all, I wonder how you pursue God, and how you will pursue me. I have a hard time believing that you are going to think I’m worth the time and effort to pursue me. I think that sometimes causes me to make it too easy for other guys to get my attention. I need to stop that. I need to start believing that I am worth energy, time, and maybe even a little perseverance.
I can’t wait to love God with you. I can’t wait to live a life filled with loving other people through God’s love, and seeing Him work through our lives together. I can’t wait to hear you talk about God and how much He means to you. I look forward to seeing the look on your face when we have serious conversations about God and Christianity and Jesus and doubts and questions. And I look forward to seeing joy light up your eyes as we count our blessings and as God uses us and works in our lives.
I can’t wait to do this Jesus thing with you.
I can’t wait to have you wrap your arms around me, and know 100% that I will always have someone who will be there for me.
I look forward to all the adventures life will throw at us.

I pray for you often and look forward to the day we meet.
Bethany

 

I’ve missed you, but I haven’t met you
Oh how I’ve missed you, but I haven’t met you
Oh, but I want to
Oh, but I want to
Dear whoever you may be
I’m still waiting patiently  

Finding God in Diversity

Today really isn’t a day that I should be feeling so full of joy. Tonight is the last night my friends and mentors, Wil and Amy, will be at the church. They are moving to San Diego to start a church plant.

But as I sit in Starbucks, I am just overwhelmed with joy. Who knows- the caffeine may be part of it. 😉
I’m surrounded by people I don’t know, talking about things that don’t concern me, enjoying books I’ve never read, drinking coffee I’ve never tried, listening to music I’ve never heard, writing things I will never read. But for some reason, this makes me so content. I’ve always gotten some weird enjoyment and satisfaction just by being surrounded by people I don’t know.  I’m that person that trusts someone probably far more than I should, even though I haven’t spoken to them. I automatically give people the benefit of the doubt, and see them as beautiful. I see them as broken people trying to figure out this life, just like I am. I think that’s why I love coffee shops so much. It’s not about the coffee. It’s about all the beautiful people I’m surrounded by. The people wearing clothes that don’t match and have holes in their shoes, the people that wear vans and bro shirts, the people that wear trendy clothes and carry a trendy MacBook. They’re all so beautiful. I love people. I love the diversity of people. Now, I understand that I don’t live in a very diverse city. I mean, come on. Prescott is full of white people. I’m surrounded by white. I am white. But diversity goes so much farther than skin color. I love being at places where all different types of people come together and somehow share life with each other, whether they realize it or not.

This makes me love God even more than I did yesterday.
I was talking to my friend the other day over text (so it doesn’t REALLY count as talking) and I was asking her why God is allowing me to feel SO lonely. She pointed out that God is a relational being, and that we feel His love through things. Through people, through animals, through nature, through music, through art. Through beauty. So this all makes sense. It makes sense that when you surround yourself with people, whether you know them or not, you can feel God’s love more than you maybe had been. It makes sense that while sitting in a coffee shop, I am able to appreciate the beauty and diversity of these people around me.

So today I am thankful. Today I am thankful for people. For my friends, for my family, but also, for the mystery and wonder of the person next to me. Maybe sometime I will actually get to know these people. But for now, not knowing them seems to be just what I need. 

Waiting to be Sewn Together

Let me start this blog out by saying I don’t know the answer to what I’m about to ask about. So please don’t expect a conclusion.

Why is it that I have such a difficult time putting all my hope in Christ? When it comes to the big picture, it’s so easy. Yes, my hope for this life is not in other people or myself- Christ is my victory and my hope for things to be made as they once were. I know that He is the only reason I will be able to spend eternity with my Creator.

But why is it so dang difficult for me to only hope in Christ. Why do I always wanna take over and control my life? Why do I think I know what is best for me? And it’s not even that I think I know what’s best for me. In fact, sometimes I knowingly put my hope in something that is unhealthy or wrong for me. But why?? Is it like putting a band-aid over an infected wound? Does it cover it up just long enough to fix my hope on something else because it’s easy? What makes me think the damn band-aid is going to cure the infection?

I’m so sick of feeling discontent.
I blame it on the city I live in.
I blame it on not knowing what my future entails. (But who does?! So stupid.)
I blame it on not having “that special someone” yet.
I blame it on God for not “showing me” what it is he wants me to do.
I blame it on SO. MANY. THINGS.

But why don’t I just blame it on the fact that I haven’t allowed God to be my one and only hope in this world?
HOW DO I EVEN ALLOW HIM TO BE MY ONLY HOPE?
Is it even possible?
Does God ever REALLY fully satisfy you?
Is trust the same thing as hope? Is trusting that He will come through the same thing as hoping in Christ?
I’m sick of feeling lonely.
“There is an appointed time for everything…

…A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
         A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
         A time to be silent and a time to speak.

 A time to love and a time to hate;
         A time for war and a time for peace…”

 

I look forward to the day when it is time to sew together.
And I will continue to wait and see through this time of tearing apart.