It’s amazing the difference in your spiritual life when you go from being a part of a tight knit group and leading worship, to just attending a church service once a week. You go from being close to your pastor and knowing everyone in a group and helping plan future events, and then all the sudden people and pastors leave and then you stop going there and you feel like you’re the only one who has no connection. With people, with church, with God. I know that Christ lives in me, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t always feel that way.
And then getting the courage to call someone back about being in a small group? It’s next to impossible. And I can say “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,” but at the same time think, “but not right now.” This is a deep chasm. It’s so much easier to be lazy. It’s so much easier to not meet new people. It’s so much easier to not wanna make committments. But the distance it feels I am from God? Painful.
And then I go into my little mind and try to figure out why I am being like this. Let’s face it- it’s hard making friends! It’s hard to open up to people you don’t know very well, and it takes a lot of effort and time. So as I’m thinking about this, I realize that every “best friend” that I’ve had has let me down. Most of them have just screwed me over and “forgotten” me. It’s so very hard to be forgotten, do you know that? When you move and think that your best friend will always be there to talk to on the phone or visit and then suddenly she stops answering her phone, or she’s always “busy” with someone else… it’s hard. It’s hard to feel alone. When your best friend seemingly morphs into a living, breathing, walking reminder of just how annoying, pathetic, unoriginal, uncool, unwanted you are, it doesn’t exactly make you want to go out and make other friends. It makes you close yourself off to anyone else outside of your little world who just so happens to think you are worth their time and energy, and even more so, actually WANTS you around. All that to say that I blame my past friendships. I blame them for me not wanting to become part of another group.
And my goodness people- I know that that is satan speaking. I know that that is him using my past experiences against me. But do you know how hard it is to get back up and even want to try? What’s the point? I have my “people” and I don’t need anyone else.
Oh, but I do.